A political scandal of a musical magnitude unfolded this week in Nashville, as the ripples of the Aldean-Bryan Country Music Television (CMT) clash reached Oval Office itself.
Indeed, in a bizarre twist of events, the President has been reported to cancel his CMT subscription (which literally no one though he had) in a symbolic act of “tuning out the country noise”.
As we speak, his staff is reportedly scrambling to replace the star-spangled banjo that hangs in his office with a tasteful jazz saxophone.
Luke Bryan, not satisfied with just pulling his own music from the CMT, has now issued a formal “Country Challenge” to all his fellow artists. The challenge? To write a song about their own experiences growing up in small towns and the dangers that lurk there for unsuspecting out-of-towners.
Reports say that Billy Ray Cyrus is currently working on a sequel to “Achy Breaky Heart” called “Achy Breaky Cart” about a dangerous run-in at a rural Walmart.
Meanwhile, Toby Keith has taken matters a step further. Unconfirmed sources indicate that he’s building a new network – “Real Country Television” (RCT), a platform allegedly committed to the “true and uncensored representation of country life, where cowboys roam free, and Bud Light doesn’t exist.”
CMT Executive Vice President Joe Barron, facing the country music rebellion, stated in an official press release, “We have the utmost respect for the plaid flannel community, and we’ll do everything we can to regain their trust.”
Barron then hopped on his private jet adorned with vegan leather seats, flying to Macon, Georgia, to better understand the nuances of rural crime rates and convenience store etiquette.
In a twist as tangled as a tumbleweed, Macon citizens are using this opportunity to capitalize on their newfound fame. The mayor has started a citywide “Aldean Day” celebrating the minor inconveniences of small-town life with an annual “Convenience Store Run,” where locals pretend to rob their own stores while tourists watch, and enjoy a BBQ.
Correspondent April Showers, still reporting from Macon, said, “There’s a peculiar sense of pride here. As one local said, ‘We don’t have a Starbucks, but we sure as hell have the spirit.’”
Back at his 1400-acre estate, Aldean was spotted planting apple trees in an effort to create his own small town, aptly named “Aldeanville.” Here, he envisions a safe haven where the only minorities are folks who prefer tequila over bourbon and believe cowboy boots are not appropriate for every occasion.
As for Bryan, rumors are swirling that he’s in talks with literally any other beer company other than Bud Light for a personal beer line, cleverly named “Striking Light” as a tribute to his fight against CMT.
In a statement, Bryan said, “This isn’t about me or Jason, it’s about preserving the authenticity of our music and our flannel shirts. Also, everyone should get their own beer line.”
These recent antics have sparked debates on whether country music’s rebellion could influence other genres. Could we see Lil Nas X pulling his songs from Hip Hop Television (HHT) due to a lack of cowboy hats? Will Taylor Swift start her own network, SwiftTV, to express her serial heartbreaks uninterrupted?
The repercussions are yet to be seen. One thing is for certain: This battle is far from over. As Bryan confidently put it, “The spirit of country music is stronger than a bull in a china shop. And much like that bull, we will make our voices heard, one shattered plate at a time.”
In the meantime, we’ll all be tuning in, enjoying our Striking Lights, and waiting to see what other far-fetched developments this tale has to offer. Stay tuned. God Bless America. And God help Country Music Television.
