Approaching someone you’re attracted to can be somewhat intimidating, because of different reasons- reasons like most guys are just naturally comfortable in their own skin, fear of rejection or being given cold shoulders, social anxiety, low self esteem and others.
When it comes to how to approach a female, everyone is different, so there are no real hard and fast rules (apart from a few obvious ones, like backing off if she’s not interested). However, here are a few general guidelines for how to approach a woman for the first time, in a way that’s respectful, while still making your interest obvious.
Things to pay attention to before you approach a woman
Before we get into the nitty-gritty of how to approach a woman, it’s worth considering whether she’s actually interested. Science shows that men tend to overestimate women’s interest in them1, while the joke about “useless lesbians” exists for a reason. So how do you know whether it’s a good idea to approach a woman? Look for signs that she’s interested in you first. Here are a few things to watch out for:
Her body language makes her interest obvious
Wondering whether she likes you, too? Check out her body language. Research shows that when we like someone, our bodies make it obvious. What are some of the signs you should look out for? If her body language is open and welcoming, if she’s making plenty of eye contact with you, if she’s touching you either consciously or unconsciously – a hand on your arm, brushing against you as she goes past – then it’s a pretty good sign she’s interested. If she gets flustered or nervous around you, or she blushes when you talk to her, that’s another indication she might return your feelings. Often, physical cues are more revealing than what people actually say, so pay close attention!
She frequently initiates contact, or extends conversations
This is for someone you’ve known for a little bit. Take a look at your interactions, whether in person, on the phone, or on social media. If you’re both active on social media, does she like your photos or comment on posts you make? When it comes to conversations, if she’s interested, she’ll often take the initiative to get in touch first, just say hi randomly, or prolong conversations just because. She’ll also be the one suggesting you two meet up or do things together. However, this might also be that she considers you a good friend, so make sure you’re also observing other signs of romantic interest before you ask her out.
She shows interest in your thoughts and experiences
When someone is interested in you, they want to know more about you. Does she ask about your interests and seem genuinely interested in the answers? Does she want to know more about the way you grew up, your history, your likes and dislikes? Does she encourage you to vent when you’re upset and share your good news when you have it? Does she notice when you’re happy or sad and react accordingly? Does she check up on you when she realizes you’re upset or feeling down? Does she care for your wellbeing, or even actively take care of you when you’re feeling sick? All these behaviors are all indications she might have some kind of romantic interest in you.
She gets jealous of other women… or tries to make you jealous of other guys
What’s a good sign that a woman is interested in you romantically? If she gets jealous when she sees you with other women, or if you indicate there’s someone else you might be interested in. She may be overtly jealous, or express it in more subtle ways, like trying to gently probe for more information about them or your interactions with them, asking if you’re interested in them, or acting possessive when someone else shows interest in you. She may also try to make you jealous by subtly – or not-so-subtly – mentioning guys she’s interested in. While excessive jealousy can be cause for concern, a mild amount can be flattering, since it makes it obvious that she’s interested in you.
She treats you differently
One of the most obvious signs a woman likes you that way and is not just interested in friendship? She treats you differently compared to her friends.
How this plays out depends on the woman in question – she might remember the most mundane details about you that nobody else does. She might plan things while making sure to take your schedule into account, very clearly wanting to be in your company. She might try to impress you and get your attention, or become much more flirtatious and complimentary when you’re around. She may not say the words – perhaps she’s the kind who prefers that the other person make the first move – but she’s making it clear with her behavior that she wants you to.
How to approach a woman respectfully
Once you’ve ascertained that yes, she’d respond well to being approached, the next step in how to approach a woman is actually to do so. Some tips:
Position yourself near her
When you’re approaching a woman, especially if it’s not someone you already know, it’s best to put some thought into how you’re going to get close enough to do so. Don’t approach a woman from the back, especially if you’re a guy – that’s likely to scare her. Instead, approach from the side, and take your time doing so, so that she has time to realize you’re there and move away if she’s not interested. Additionally, try not to stare too obviously or be too aggressive in your body language – you don’t want to come across as intimidating, or give her a reason to mistrust your intentions. A little forethought can avoid a lot of messages you didn’t intend on sending.
Pay her a compliment
For anyone wondering how to approach a woman, one of the best ways to lead in to asking her out is to offer her a compliment. A word of advice – don’t make it about her body, especially if you’ve just met her, since that might come across as a little creepy or objectifying, especially coming from a guy. Instead, compliment something else about her that you like: her style, her mannerisms, or something she did – it’ll show her you were paying attention and not just to her looks. Some ideas:
- “You have a great laugh.”
- “That color looks stunning on you.”
- “You’re really funny, I loved the joke about X.”
- “Your t-shirt is hilarious, I love it.”
Engage in some light banter
While this obviously isn’t a universal rule, most women appreciate you taking the time to build some sort of rapport with them before asking them out. A great way to do this is to ask them a question and actually listen to the answer; not only does it give you the chance to get to know her better, but it’s also a great way to give her a positive impression of you. As for the questions themselves, it’s important to choose them carefully – you don’t want something that’s too personal or intrusive, and it’s best to ask open-ended questions so you can follow up once she’s done answering.
Whatever the situation, coming up with the right questions to ask a girl can be daunting – which is why we’ve compiled 70 good ones you can use in a variety of situations.
Show her that you’re harmless
This is more for the guys reading this. It’s a sad fact of life that women are often justifiably wary of men they don’t know – the stats on violence against women bear it out. So, if you’re a guy wondering how to approach a woman respectfully, one aspect of doing so is to show her you’re trustworthy. You can do this by keeping your body language open and friendly, making sure you’re not so close you’re invading her personal space, and not accidentally blocking her exit. Additionally, when you suggest a date, it’s a good idea for it to be somewhere public that she can get to on her own, rather than trusting someone she doesn’t know to pick her up.
Be specific about what you’re asking
You might think that suggesting the two of you hang out ‘sometime’ means you’re making your interest clear without putting her on the spot, but sometimes, this can be taken as simple polite small talk on your part. Rather than suggest some nebulous hangout at some time in the future, make a concrete offer. Not only does it make your interest clear, but it also gives her the opportunity to decline rather than leave you in limbo. Some suggestions for asking her out in a concrete way:
- “Hey, I was wondering if you would like to get coffee with me this weekend?”
- “There’s that new Marvel movie that’s playing, want to go see it with me after work this week?”
Common mistakes to avoid when it comes to how to approach a woman
Regardless of what a catch you are, there are a few things you can do while approaching a woman that will ruin your effort, including:
Being too aggressive
Yes, you think she’s all that. Yes, you’d like a date – but the odds are you’re not getting one if you come in guns blazing. Being too aggressive, regardless of what movies or pick-up artists may tell you, is much more likely to get you blacklisted than seen as some kind of alpha male romance novel hero. When you’re approaching a woman, especially one you don’t know well, it’s important to go slow and earn her trust. Being too forward will – in most cases – just put her off, so no matter how much you want that date, take it easy.
Not being aware of your timing
There’s a time and a place for everything, and that includes how to approach a woman. Before you approach a woman to ask her out, take a moment to observe – does she appear to be in a hurry? Is she focused on what she’s doing at the moment? Does she look stressed or angry? Does she have headphones on? Interrupting someone who is clearly in the middle of something isn’t just a good way to get told no, it’s also really rude. Wait until she’s finished with whatever she’s doing to shoot your shot, unless you want to be shot down.
Making it all about you
You might be tempted to start out by making your case, but that’s absolutely the wrong thing to do when it comes to how to approach a woman. Instead, turn the spotlight on her – with nothing too personal or invasive, obviously, but make it obvious you’d like to know her better. And resist the urge to talk too much about yourself – you might not intend for it to come across that way, but it could easily come off as arrogance or self-centeredness. Instead, listen while she talks – and if her answers are short or monosyllabic, that’s your cue that she’s not particularly interested.
Not having enough confidence
Now, we’re not saying you should take your cues from Johnny Bravo, but confidence is sexy, too. It’s perfectly understandable if you’re a little nervous when you ask a woman out – butterflies in your stomach are well-known idea for a reason – but being so nervous you sweat, trip over your words, or even make a fool of yourself aren’t particularly encouraging signs to potential dates. If you’re really worried about how to approach a woman, practice in front of a mirror or with friends to build your confidence for the real thing – it’ll make it easier on both of you.
Not putting in enough effort
Old Billy Shakespeare had it right – she is a woman; therefore, she may be wooed. In this day and age women have so many options, from a good book, to a Netflix binge, to chilling by themselves – so a key part of how to approach a female is figuring out how to convince her she wants to spend time with you. Don’t simply assume she’ll be flattered – put in the effort to show her you’re worth her time. Compliment her, tell her a joke, take the time to build a rapport before asking for her number or even an actual date.
How to approach her in different settings
Different situations call for different rules, so here are a few guidelines for how to approach a woman in different situations.
Approaching a woman at work
Honestly? Don’t. She’s not flirting with you; she’s doing her job. Attempting to approach a woman at her workplace is a bad idea for many reasons, not least that you’re putting her in a very awkward position. Studies show that men tend to misinterpret women’s behavior as sexual more often than the reverse2. So it’s important, even if you’re interested in the pretty cashier at the grocery store or the cute barista at Starbucks, to keep it professional.
Approaching a woman in public
If you decide to approach a woman in public, make sure she’s not in a rush or in the middle of something. Additionally, make sure she can see you coming rather than accidentally sneaking up on her. Also, take the time to build a rapport – smile, introduce yourself, pay her a compliment or ask her advice for something; let her get to know you before asking her out. And always make sure she can back away if she’s not interested.
Approaching a woman at a club or a bar
Approaching a woman at a club or a bar is a little easier because they’re often there to meet people. When you approach a woman in a group, don’t just single her out; make it a point to talk a little bit to her friends, too. It’s part politeness, part self-interest; you want her to have a good impression of you. Speaking of good impressions, if you want to stand out from the crowd? Offer to buy her food rather than a drink.
How to approach a woman at the gym
This is almost as fraught an option as asking a woman out at work, because most women are at the gym to exercise, not socialize. If, however, you see she’s not doing a particularly strenuous pace on the treadmill, you could say hi, or offer to spot her while she’s doing weights. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, compliment her form. Whatever you do, pay attention to her body language and back off if she’s not interested.
How to approach a woman online
How to approach a woman online isn’t all that different from approaching one in the real world, the difference is you can take your time and figure out precisely what to say. (Just please, we beg you, don’t lead with graphic pictures). If you’re approaching a woman online, take advantage of the resources at your disposal, like her photos and profile picture, and use them for a conversational starting point instead of just a generic ‘hi’.
